Bla Bla COP LAMB !!

(DISCLAIMER 1 – Sorry dear readers, from this point onwards Jay and Veeru will be called by their original respective nicks – Vizz and Bunny. Why you may ask, b’coz we both are tired entertaining readers with adventures and comical extracts of our worthless life in this even worthless city – its time to munch into some Reality Bytes)

6 days in Macha Land, Vizz and Bunny have been loaded with a shit load of problems.

The house hunt was getting on our nerves, to top it the hotel that we were staying in has asked them to vacate as there was some stupid advance reservation for a WEDDING. Having scanned the entire city we finally land up in a temporary guest house paying daily rentals. But the guest house is in the city which is like 12 kms from office (in Chennai terms – that means a 45 – 60 minutes ride).

Still trying to fathom the depth of the pothole that we have been flushed into, we just decided to take a ride towards a nearby eatery for some dinner (with the kind of expenses we are both going through, our dinner and lunch is now equivalent to our erstwhile breakfasts). So while taking a ride, we stopped at a signal for taking a left (in our part of the country, good mannered civic citizens stop at signal even when there is a FREE LEFT TURN). So as soon as the signal opened, we started to drift with the traffic (yes there is traffic in Chennai city at any given point during the day on any given day during the week, on any given week during the month., in any given month during the year, in any given year in the decade and finally in any given decade in the century)

As we were continuing to drift at a mundane pace, I could a see a black lamb following me on a government vehicle. The lamb was wearing white shirt and khaki trousers and a blue cap, his bike was white in color. At an outset, the lamb did resemble a traffic cop in my hometown. But as we both knew we never jumped any signals or broke any speed rule, we continued with our slow and steady ride. The lamb continued to follow us till the next signal (yes yes, there are 2 signals at every 100 meters in this southern metropolis), and right at the signal put his bike across ours and asked us to stop (he could have just asked us to stop instead of this stupid stunt – I know it was a lamb, but in our part of the country we don’t mind even stopping for a lamb who is dressed in government uniforms). So we duefully stopped and looked at the lamb with great respect (just because it was dressed in a cop uniform). The lamb started bleating in a foreign language as soon as it saw us (luckily my pal bunny is a very linguistic person and understands many types of bleats, moo’s, meows and bow-wows). So he started translating the bleats to me; here is how the conversation went:

Lamb – (with a shining black face) What great helmet sir?

Me – Oh thank you!! (Blushes a bit)

Lamb – What style sir, how much sir? Where you bought it sir?

Me –(Proudly) Ohh I got it from Bombay, for Rs2000. It’s a designer helmet, one of its kind – imported!

Lamb – Oh wow sir, what nice bike sir – new one? (while he was at his flattering best, a car just broke the RED signal in front of him)

Me – No no, its 3 years old, I have maintained it so well you see, not even a scratch.

Lamb – Ohh what nice biker jacket sir, good shoes too. You remind me of hindi film hero sir.

Me – (getting a bit irritated now, looking at my watch) – thanks for abruptly stopping us for the compliments SIR (ha museebat mein lamb ko bhi sir banana padta hai), but we are really getting late!!

Lamb – (bleating in a somewhat empathetic manner) – can I see your NOC please? (No license, or registration or insurance – just N.O.C)

Me – (with my mouth gaping open wildly , so wide that i could swallow a big mother elephant) – Bunny yeh kya ho raha hai yaar ?

Lamb – No NOC – Rs 1000 fine sir!!

Me – (mouth still wide open, it was a sense of Déjà vu B’cos this was the 4^th uniformed animal that caught us in 6 days)

Lamb – how much minimum can you give sir (he was scratching his palms – which I assumed must be psoriasis or some rashes on his palm. But my wise friend bunny interpreted the obscene gesture saying that this means he is asking for a bribe to get away with it)

Me – (with a look on my face that I was tempted to cut this lambs throat – hallal ishtyle, and making tasty mutton biryani out of it) sir, why everyday you have to catch us for NOC – we have all papers in place. [while I was talking to the lamb, 3 guys zoomed by at a speed that seemed well beyond 80km/hr, with silencers and modifications which need NOC too and without helmets, but the lamb did not even give them a second glance – for one: the lamb was too lazy and slow to catch up, for second: lamb already had 2 BAKRAS ready to be minced, for three (most imp): the 3 bikes were TN registered]

Lamb – sir give atleast 500 minimum sir (his style was worse than the old beggar woman whom I threw a coin to at the beach last night)

Me – (Looking at bunny with contempt and anger) – kaha fas gaye yaar, is bhikari ko ab kitna dalna hai?

Bunny – jabse aaye hai waise bhi donation box hi ban gaye hai, dal de so-doso!! (just as we were having this conversation, 3 guys went triple seat on a kinetic, from right next to the lamb)

Me – (again looking at the lamb with a surrendering look – I wanted to shout SIR PLEASE LET US LIV A FREE LIFE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY, but all I said was) Sir I will give you 100 sir

Lamb – No No No No, fine is 1000 bucks, you look like guys from good and respected famiiesszzzz. Ok not yours not mine, give me 200 bucks

Me – (mouth again wide open ) Bunny, I don’t have 200 change on me, have a 500 ka note. If this ‘mary had a little lamb’ fella sees that, he would keep it all.

Lamb – (Inspite of not understanding our human language, he proactively said) I saw you have a 500 hundred note in your wallet sir, when you showed me license sir, do not worry sir (I wanted to tell that lamb ass to stop calling me SIR – I never slept with the queen of England – for christs sake), I have change with me sir – here take 300 and give me 500 (with a smirkish smile which showed all his 28.5 teeth which seemed to be not brushed from his milk tooth days).

Me – (frowning contemptuously at the lamb, removed the 500 note and banged it on his hand) Here Mr Lamb, buy sweets with this for your children and may they have as wonderful 28.5 teeth like yours.

Lamb – (pocketing the 500 note, getting back on his white motorbike bid us goodbye) – Have a safe journey boys, and take care.

Just then I saw a falling star and made an instant wish – the lamb had just crossed 20 meters - a safe distance from the mishap, when a lightning struck his bike and the lamb was converted into a lamb roast. As if things were not enough, a passing trailer ran over the roast lamb turning it into a lamb steak – (medium done). “Serves him good” I told bunny while we watched the street dogs feeding on the delicious dinner on the road.

Atlast we finally set off from that cursed corner and continued our stride towards the eatery singing “Yeh dosti” from Sholay.

Hunt for a House DAY 2 - 21st Aug 2007

It is my fifth day in macha land, end of the first week, full of adventures, emotions, joys and sorrows. (Bunny has finished making 10238464289271618393 girl friends in 5 days, aur shayad main bhi kiskiko dil de baitha hu – HaILaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

Last four days have been quite a journey – full of Chennai night life, Tidel park food outings, hotel room phobias, etc etc…, The day after the first day started with a great deal of enthusiasm, though it was not the first day in macha-land., it was definely the first sunrise. Jai and viru were ready for their first Tihar jail in MAcha Land – TIDEL PARK. Having spent 2 months in Hyderabad without a workstation – me and bunny were very much habituated with spending more time in library and pantry (and LST terrace – awesome view of Hussain Sagar) ., so we never really had the habit of sitting on a machine and working 9 hrs straight .. It was quite a new experience, it was hard to actually make note of the time as it FLEW by, a full working day passing by as if it was just an hour.

Evening we took a few broker numbers and set off for looking for a house on RENT. This was the first time we really set off by ourself in Macha Land on my beloved BIKE!! Our first sample was a man called YASSIN!! This was a thin little baldi guy, with quite a weird body frame and a very different accent which was definitely not Madrasi. We had to call him 3-4 times before we could actually find him in that busy corner near Thiruvanmiyur Bus stand and RTO. Yassin confidingly said hello and told us that he would get us one of the best places in town within no time. Respecting his eagerness to find us a good house (which later on turned out to be sumthng worse than a shandy), we finally set off behind him. Like a local Macho Man, he sat on a two wheeler (which looked like a bike cum Luna cum cycle – something with the brand name of BYKE – the engine looked less that 100cc in volume). Looking him get on that small little tardy thing, I told bunny that it’s going to be a very slow journey!! Before I could end by last sentence, Yassin zoomed ahead like a shooting star breaking 2 signals and zooming into pevening traffic. “OHHH SHITTTT” was the only word that we both uttered simultaneously, got on my bike and pressed hard on the start button and gear simultaneously to try and catch up with this local street hawk. (back in Mumbai ia m well known for making smooth turns and smart moves between traffic even at 80km/hr, but following this character in the Chennai traffic seemed like a mighty task, even after being on a bike which goes 0 – 60 on 4.5 seconds),. Our first house to be, was located sumwher behind the small lanes in thiruvanmiyur itself and was to be given for 6k per month. We had eagerly said yes to see it merely for the cheap deal tht it seemed to be.. Barely managing to follow yassin and his 90cc superbike, we finally reached sum very TADIPAR looking area in the interiors of thiruvanmiyur. We could see burly guys walking around, short brawny faces looking at us with that “welcome to the neighborhood – asshole” look,.. we got down next to some shady looking shanty which was looking like a slightly better version of a brick and mortar SLUM House. The land lady came down walking with a contemptuous look on her face. Her first sentence in tamil was “ask them to remove their dirty shos before the enter” .. me and bunny jus looked at each othrs face. The house was decently clean but def not our TYPE of a resting haven, plus the land lady’s remarks of NO LATE NIGHTS/ NO FRIENDS and SPECIALLY NO GIRLS made us perceive tht place like a sick slum hostel…. So we told Yassin bhai tht we wanted to look at other places. He dialed a few numbers and made a few quick calls to his other – bhai-bandhu- and started off on his super bike yet again. By the evening we saw around 4-5 “bad,worse and remorseful” in and around thiruvanmiyur. All the flats were only between 10 – 15k with a minimum deposit of 60k to 100k ..

So we finally got tired and called up rammeee and ruthless to join us for d eve.. Ramee picked us up with ruth and told us that there was a surprise for the evening.. She said she is taking us to Chennai’s swankiest joint (lounge bar) called Bikes N Barrels. The place (which seemed wquite an inspiration from Hard Rock Café (with a bike hanging from the ceiling, a swaggering bar, posh old foreigners with their hired young chinki escorts) .. it was a scene which I had least expected in Macha Land. Had been craving to be in a lounge bar since a long time (had not cum across any in Hyd) .. Gulping down multiple beer mugs (lots count after 5) with endless chicken tikka (Disclaimer – bunny doesn’t eat non-veg or drink alcohol; yes u heard that right – not even a Breezer. He was stuck to his orange juice throughout the night), we ended the day with a drunken jive (me, ruthless, ramee, bunny, and kaushik – ramee’s frnd)..

Rameee finally dropped us back, in a loudly banging blaster speaker ride throughout the city, past IIT and to our hotel in thiruvanmiyur… we wer back in bed, already thinking (with a beer sizzled mind) abt the next days HUNT FOR A SHELTER !!

AdVeNT (20th August, 2007)

DAY 1 – 20^th August 2007)

The train journey was quite weary, bunny and me, both with sulking faces, sitting in front of each other in A2 coach of the Charminar Express [not that we are really rich, A2 courtesy is Satyam’s Travel Plan – Abbreviated as TP J/ In fact both of us come from extreme conditions of deprived, underprivileged, disadvantaged, needy, destitute backgrounds – sorry bunny for telling our asliyat, sacchayi ka dhong karke mein thak gaya hu J] .. Both of us bid our boyfriends and girlfriends goodbye (yea we r bisexual – bunny dnt hit me plzZ). It was one of those very rare moments when we don’t talk , the only time I remember being so quite and sad before this was 23 years back when that ugly nurse cut off my umbilical cord while the sexy nurse went to the baby on the next bed ( hai re meri futi kismat L) , tabhi se jo mu khola,, who ab tak band hi nahi hua.. BLa Bla Bla ..(no no not ba ba black sheep, blah blah wala Bla Bla) .. Sitting in the train, glaring at the endless black expanse of land passing by at a speed of 80kms per hr, I asked bunny – “yeh humare saath kya ho raha hai bhai?”

“Sab Uparwaale ki MAYA hai” is the only answer I got in return !!

We touched Chennai central at around 9am (30 mins delay – Indian Standard Railway Time – ISRT), the heat was getting on my forehead in the form of tiny beads of sweat, while bunny was not at all to be seen in his usual chirpy and hopping self L. Our localite friend Ramee International (her names Ramya, but I like to call her Ramee. U can also call her a SHE_MAN – By the power of GREYSKULL, she is 5’9” and weighs 180 pounds – looks like Muhammad ali’s foster grand daughter ) had come to pick us up in her car and drop us back to our temporary home – CITY RESIDENCY. (No no, donot mistake her with a Valet service, she is really our true friend :P )

The scene at the station as quite unique, wth coolies jumping inside the train talking to us in broken English (yea I forgot to mention we do look like alien foreigners in MACHA Land – Hydie complexion u see) We tried to bargain with the coolie for a combo pack of keeping our luggage in the car as well as getting out my bike from the luggage (thts my better half – her names Karishma). Ramee in her Usual SHE-Man style tried to verbally overpower the coolies and fix a rate that was less than half of their Quotes; end result was we were dragging the 9 bags ourselves towards the car in the Chennai heat L. After loading the bags and literally stuffing them in the FORD, I set back at a brisk pace to check if mah beloved bike had been unloaded from the train or not. Running all the way back to the last coach, I was almost huffing and panting by the time walked by 18 coaches of that longgggggggg train.

My bike was out, as soon as I reached it, 2 chutku guys hopped along my side and started speaking rapid macha language (yea yea TAMIL) , looking at the LOST look on my face, one of them asked “InDi?” .. I was like whaaaaaa>?? , thn I understud that he was asking me if I can talk in Hindi and I nodded my head in their usuall head wagging manner .. He told me that he will do all my work right from getting the gate pass(all the way back from the platform) and then getting my bike out of the stn. With my usual Mumbai instincts, I first asked him how much, he jus patted on my back and wagged his head again – “PehLe kaam karegaa, paisa baadme – aapki khushi sir” .. he asked me to sit inside the coach while his associate ran with my ticket and receipt to get the gate pass. Sitting inside the coach, he then asked me again in his head wagging style, “Kidhar Se?” I replied “MUMBAI” with somewhat pride,,, there was a strange bright look in his eyes when I uttered that word, as if I clicked a button which blinks on NEON lights,, he said “Mumbai ka Log ke Pass Gun Hota !!” , it surprisingly wasn’t a question, he was trying to convince me in his head wagging manner that Mumbai people carry guns and keep shooting around for fun (for once I really hated RGV for his movies, specially SATYA).

We finally got the bike out and ramya and bunny went back to get the car while I was supposed to wait at some signal that ramee visually explained me to come to!! After dragging the bike for half a mile towards the petrol pump, I filled it up and kicked on the 223 cc engine for its journey on a new city. I was supposed to meet rammees car outside GH – hospital outside central and thn follow her car, I asked her about helmets and she blantly told me its not an issue in Chennai and I can follow ( my mardangi ego cudnt actually tell her tht I am more of a metrosexual and was not asking the helmet for a rule or safety but for avoiding tanning my face :P )

After getting lost in the bylanes around central and after calling up ramee and bunny and asking rick guys for directions for about 30 mins I finally reached the destined GH signal. While I was waiting for them, a khaki pant-white shirt-blue cap clad guy just hopped into my front from behind me and pulled out my keys. I was staring at his face with a surprised look (a traffic cop was the last pain I had expected after getting lost in early morn Chennai heat and getting tanned to a choco brown face). This fella again started in tamil asking for license, papers, helmet … my Mumbai instincts kicked in instantly and I started in a bent manner, “Chod Do Sir, GAlti hogaya Sir, I m new sir, Jus came out of stn Sir, Helmet is in car Sir? Now it was his turn to stare at me with a WEIRD Look, (His mouth was open for so long that I could already smell his morning breakfast from a 2 feet distance). I realized that he neither understood hindi nor proper English and we wer back to good old tribal days of SIGN Languages. He informed me about the Rs 500 fine for not having a MH – NOC for my bike. Having experienced the toughest of the cops in Mumbai for 23 years, I knew that they only understand one language. I ran towards the car, took my helmet and Rs100 note from bunny and hopped back towards him like a kid. Before he cud utter a word, I had stuck that note in his hand, and like a reflex he put on the keys himself in my bike and patted on my back with an immensely father like gesture and gave me the U CAN GO sign.

Dragging behind the car, I showed signs of fatigue and restlessness aftr crossing 11 signals in 1100 metres. I told ramya that I will park my bike in her building and she wud drop me in her car till the hotel (it was already 11.30am, which was way beyond my reporting time in office). So we quickly parked the bike, and set off in the car. Picked up sum Marie Brown (which is some cheap and incompetent imitation of MCdonalds) burgers and drinks on the way (our first breakfast in Macha Land). We finally reached the hotel at 12.30 and said bye to ramya. We took a bath and set off for our new office - Tidel Park office.

I had read in wikipedia (when I was in hyd) that Tidel Park was the second biggest IT park in India and housed several IT companies, bank outlets, food courts, gym, swimming poll – all under one roof. But seeing the gigantic structure in person was quite an experience. The tall glass and steel structure would have put even the Hiranandani’s of powai and Raheja’s of Mindspace to shame. We dint have much time to look around, so we quickly go through the automated security doors (at 3 points) and reached our 3^rd floor office.

“I was slowly starting to like this macha land with the kind of

Unexpected crowd and city Aura.”

We spent sometime setting up our temp work stations (yea u got tht right - temporary WS’s…cos Change is the only Constant thing when it comes to IT Ops) Then we set off towards the food courts – Dominoes, Coffea shops, Kebab Express, New Yorkers et all just inside my office. This was like a long time dream come true,, that too of all the places – in MACHA LAND!! Food is sumthng I m soo very particular abt. I had a full plate mutton biryani (which was better than any biryanis I had in 2 months in hyderbad) and a glass of juice. Content with the food, we set off from office around 7 and started towards ramyas house (towards Kilpouk – sexy name na?).. after bargaining and fighting with 8 autos, we got inside one. It took us over 1 hr to reach a place whichw as hardly 15 kms away,, (gues evening time peak traffic is a metro – level disease)

Ramya then took us to this Muslim Kebab Shop (I am a pure carnivorous beast and a huge kebab FAN.. so had around 3-4 repeat orders of the sheek – rumali roll). We then picked up Ramyas best friend from the stn (her names RUTH – but bunny calls her RuthLess. Bunny is her new temp 1015^th BF and ruth is bunny’s serios 998^th GF). We then set off to Café Coffea day and finally ended the day with freshly brewed Frappes in CCD. The ride back to the hotel was quite smooth.

A very sweet end to a brash day full of cops and coolies…… From tommorow will set off on a new adventure of searching a decent house!!

For Those who came in late (19th August,2007)

SwIndLed By CrooKs,

Caught by TrAffIc Cops,

I DonT LiKe ThE MaChA LoOks,

iTs TiMe To breaks ThE LoCKS !!

Having completed my MBA from MUM-BHAI, finally joined Satyam on the 22^nd June 2007 with sky high aspirations and abundant expectations. Hyderabad was a city out of my dreams, vast green expanses, the cosmic blue lakes, roads right out of a romantic movie (I stayed near Banjara/Hi-tech so know only those awesome roads, no comments about roads in old city or other ones). The cities teeny weeny skyline (as compared to Mumbai shahar) but yet the cosmopolitan aura mesmerized me to echelons of my personal expectations.

Just as we were getting adjusted to the new city (we boleto me and my Buddy – Bunny is his name, being funny is his game/ Will have one separate post just for him – guess those who saw him doing a mimicry act in the KPMS party don’t need any introductions). Yea so as WE were just getting acquainted with the Tollywood City, we were told to pack our bora-bistarsand start operating out of the Chennai office. With initial inhibitions, and a lot of fear-provoking, scary and bloodcurdling information about MACHA LAND (thts wat I call Madras,, oooopps Chennai) .. [For the uninitiated, before reading further, plzz get acquainted with the synonymous tag words allotted to different places/things/peopleJ]

So here we are in MACHA Land, back with sky high aspirations and abundant expectations.,

- will the city adopt us in its non Cosmo culture?

- or will it gulp us down and turn us into Lungi clad baniyan flaunting tarred “Machas” (these are the exact words used by my critique friends who described the place to me)

- will our scary inhibitions be turned into reality?

Watch out this space for an adventurous ride through Macha City with Jai and Viru (Though me and bunny haven’t quite decided on who is jai and who’s viru)….

Cheripagna for now ( I guess thts BYE in Tamil)